Purpose in the Pause: Part 2 (Marriage)

Let me be clear, I am no marriage expert. There is nothing in my arsenal of pastoral care or experience that qualifies me to tell you how you should or shouldn’t conduct yourself with your spouse. So, please don’t read this post with the notion that I’ve figured out the magic formula of how to have a happy marriage.

But this I do know…marriage is hard! And I don’t say “hard” lightly, because marriage is more than just challenging, for the stress of it can eat you from the inside-out. If you are married, you can relate. For those of you that are dating or single, please don’t read this and take away that I’m telling to run from marriage. Quite the opposite actually. As much as marriage is hard, it’s just as amazing!

When you are starting off in marriage you and your spouse are pretty ignorant. Studies show that psychologically you are in some sort of euphoria at the beginning of a relationship, and as those hormones lessen, annoyances creep in. Over time those annoyances become tension that can lead to conflict, which often breeds resentment. And when resentment sets in, it’s easy to feel hopeless.

As I mentioned in my last post about self-care (See Part 1), I lost my job a earlier this year. However, to make matters worse, my wife and I had been struggling in our marriage for quite a while. To be honest, we were considering separation. Fortunate for us, my loss of employment forced us to pause, and not for the reasons you may think. It was bigger than trying to stay together for our daughter, or our finances, or to avoid the admission of a failed marriage. We had lost sight of our purpose.

So, we started couples counseling. I used to think counseling was a last resort, but I would encourage you, whether you are currently trying to work through some challenges in you marriage or just starting out, look at it as a preemptive measure, not a saving grace. Also, as you consider counseling don’t enter the experience with the hopes that it will save or salvage your relationship. Rather, view counseling as an experience for you and your significant other to birth something new.

My wife and I are still working though things, but the experience has brought new life in our marriage in more ways than one :). We still have lots to learn, but I would like to leave you with 4 tips I’ve learned to help your marriage thrive:

1.) Identify your Purpose as a couple. Why is it that God brought you together? How do your unique gifts compliment one another for the greater good? This is bigger than your kids (or future kids), this is about accomplishing something together outside of you and your marriage.

2.) Shut up & LISTEN! I swear I need to tattoo this somewhere obvious, but seriously this is key in bettering your communication with your spouse. So often we jump to the defense or make assumptions and we never really hear what our spouse is saying. It’s okay to ask clarifying questions, but be sure your partner is done speaking before you take the floor.

3.) Have a business meeting. We’re busy after all and it is easy to have some miscommunication around schedules or whatnot. Pull out your calendars, write down to-dos, and walk through a week or a month and get your mind around what’s happening. I promise you that you and your spouse will be much more willing to make sacrifices in their plans when you have a better idea of each other’s workload.

4.) HAVE FUN! Each week at couples counseling we get homework. We draw a card from a deck and each are given a task to do for the other. So far, we’ve started a book club, planned a weekend getaway, and brought one another breakfast in bed. It may seem cheesy, but these little deposits of quality time have meant the world to us.

I love my wife! I probably love her more now because of the hard stuff we’ve been through over the years and recently. My hope for you is that you don’t read this and feel pity towards me, but inspired.

I am thankful for my pause, and I want the same for you. The pause stretches us and gives us perspective. Don’t take that for granted and don’t take your marriage for granted either. You were brought together on purpose and with purpose.